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One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices
a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!".
So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?".
The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.",
goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes."
"OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!".
The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true
you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

********************************

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride
know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request,
"Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

********************************

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy.
"Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning.
"Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting
to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!".
So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands
inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in!
"Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy.
The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!".

********************************

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night.
The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!".
The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter."
The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over
your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"

********************************

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love,
the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin."
The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married
three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist
and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and
all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector
and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

********************************

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes
out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says,
"My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens
her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so
beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?"
He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe?
We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY,
let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

********************************

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild,
vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably,
he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says,
"That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

********************************

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president,
Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or
Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is
my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first
to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay
you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better
jack off. I've got a headache."

********************************

A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead.
Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn't because she didn't have any clothes on. He replies, 'Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!'

She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I�m sorry, I think he's too far in."

********************************

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
"Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas.
You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well
earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down,
with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?"
the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

********************************

This little girl walks over to her grandmother and asks "Granny, can you show me a magic trick?"
"No dear, but I think your grand father knows one." So the little girl walks over
to her grandpa and asks "Grandpa, granny says you know some magic tricks, could you show me one?"
The grand father looks at her, "Sure, just hop on my lap!" So the little girl jumps on his lap.
"Now, can you feel a finger poking up your ass?" asks the grandpa,
"Yeah" replies the girl "Well look, no hands!"

********************************

One day this girl goes to her father, "Dad, I really want to see that movie that just came out,
can I please go watch it." The dad replies, "Only if you suck my dick." the girl refuses
but says, "please dad, I really really really want to go to the movies."
The dad says again, "Only if you suck my dick, then Ill take you."
Eventually the girl gives in and sucks his chop. As soon as she does,
she leaps back and goes "Eewwww, it tastes like shit!", so the dad says, "Yeah, your brother wanted to go to the movies too."

********************************

A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms.
Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?"
His dad said, "Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?"
The dad replied, "The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday,
and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January,
one for February, one for March...."

********************************

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina.
The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car
and made a dash to the hospital.

After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps.
He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis,
penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.

The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion.
"if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."

Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some
honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"

"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."

********************************

Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's pussy.
The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out.
He screams, "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!"
The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?" Gary yells, "There's a hair in my spaghetti!
Get it the fuck out of here!" The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away.
Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, "What a hypocrite you are.
You spent most of last night with your face full of hair."
Gary says, "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?"

********************************

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange."
Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check.
Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange.
Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?"
The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this
must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening.
I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid
double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.

He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight
months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress.
Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of
that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.

He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really.
Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."

********************************

A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a
customer service rep. and says, "Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be
goddamned if I am going to wait my ass on line anymore." "Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank." "Well excuse me, but this fuckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language." "Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says. "Well then let's get the fuckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?" The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?" The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it."
The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is
deposit this fuckin' check for 15 million dollars." The manager looks at the check and
then at the man and says "And this fuckin' bitch won't help you?"

********************************

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again. Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want." The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished are three girls asked,"How could we ever repay you Mr." After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"

********************************

This man is walking down the road and hears someone crying. He stops and looks over the fence and sees a woman without any arms or legs crying beside a pool. He asks "What's the problem?" she says "Well I've never been hugged before." Well this is a nice guy so he hops the fence and gives her a hug. Half an hour later he is going back to his car and hears her crying. He asks "Now what's wrong?" she says "I've been thinking and..I've never been kissed before". Well the guy thinks what's the harm in giving her a kiss to make her feel better? He hops the fence and gives her a kiss. At his car he finds that his keys are lost so he goes back to the girl and finds his keys there but he sees her crying again. "Now what's wrong" he asked She responds "I've never been fucked before" The guy picks her up and throws her into the pool and says "Now you're fucked real good."

********************************

This lady goes to the gynecologist but won't tell the receptionist what's wrong with her, just that she must see a doctor. After hours of waiting the doctor sees her in. Ok my good woman what is your problem the doctor asks. Well, she says, my husband is a very compulsive gambler and every nickel he can get his hands on he gambles. So I had five hundred dollars and I stuffed it in my vagina but now I can't get it out. The doctor says, don't be nervous I see this happen all the time. He asks her to pull down her underwear sits her down with her legs wide open puts his gloves on and says: I only have one question. What am I looking for? Bills or loose change?

********************************

One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out "Ouch you fucking wanker!" later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. she said "Father, my boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know what to do." the priest says "Well, have you tried smacking them?" she said "No, doesn't the church look down on that?" the priest says "Well, yes, but in some cases we'll make an exception." The next day, the two boys come down for breakfast and she asks Tommy what he wants for breakfast. Tommy says "Well, gimme some fucking waffles." The mom backhands Tommy so hard, he flies out of his chair and lands against the door. shocked and terrified by this, Timmy becomes very quiet. his mother asks him what he wants for breakfast, and his reply was "Well you can bet your sweet ass I don't want no fucking waffles!"

********************************

This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed.

The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her. He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head. He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."

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